Hi there. I’m dealing with a bit of a resurgence of suicidal ideation. I’ve dealt with depression for 23 years. I’ve been hospitalized for attempts twice, but they were in my younger years and looking back both times were out of panic, out of feeling trapped with my intense emotions during stressful times and out of a great desire to escape or immediately change the situation I was in.

I’m now 35, live alone no kids, just my cat- and this is going to sound a bit pathetic but when I think about deciding to remove myself from this world, the only thing truly preventing my thoughts into action is my cat. That and the people I get to help each day. For my cat- who would take care of him? He’s always by my side, what if he mourns or misses me and doesn’t understand? The people that I help, I get paid to do so- but I work in life sustaining healthcare and when I help people, I strive to treat everyone like people-with empathy and compassion and with my full attention- despite working against a system that simply can’t accommodate for that type of service anymore. It’s challenging and disheartening because I know for every person I assist they’ve talked to 5 people before me that didn’t give a shit or weren’t properly trained. I know because my patients tell me and because I see the work- and I can’t even blame them because we are just bodies. I’m easily replaced.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m lucky enough to have good, true friends-Friends that I’ve had for years, but each of them has someone to rely on- tight knit families and significant others. They’d be ok. I’m lucky that I have a job where I can afford ( barely) to live. I’m lucky to just get to know the patients I interact with on a day to day basis because damn if they’re not resilient. I’m sitting here, no real ailments aside to complain about aside from the occasional migraine or heartburn.. I’ve got working legs and arms, of sound mind- and I talk to people that are terminal, or aren’t but can’t have the typical lifestyle because of mobility issues, pain, extreme fatigue, etc. and they manage to find joy and are still kind. Not always, of course. Sometimes I can hear in their voice that they are tired, or are numb or are maybe in an impossible situation, and that sticks with me too. My sense of purpose hangs on these people- to know that if nothing else I can be a kind voice when someone might be going through some of the toughest things in their lives, in a world that for the most part doesn’t give a shit about who you are or what you are going through. That’s not to say people don’t care about others- I’m saying in a capitalist society it does not care who is suffering or who dies. So why, despite that, do I wish I didn’t exist? Or at least, not in this timeline. I know, chemical imbalances etc- but even though I know it’s a thing ..side by side it is difficult for me to consider.

I just can’t escape feeling empty most of the time. I am consumed with work during the day and after work I zone out and distract myself, unable to be alone with my thoughts for too long. Sometimes i stress or overthink things so much that I tell myself, out loud, “ I can always kill myself” ( if things get worse). I find it comforting, like a mantra. I already know how I would do it though for obvious reasons I will not disclose it here. On my days off I sleep for 13-15 hours because I have no drive to do anything else, not even bathe.

I’m feeling like this is my life for the REST of my life and there is very little I can do to change it. I feel like it’s intentional, that I am by far not the only one feeling this way- a lack of control, a great deal of my life sacrificed and no self progress made, and while I am not my patient and wouldn’t fathom comparing my life to really anyone we are both being taken advantage of. My health insurance company hopes I die and my life insurance hopes it’s self-inflicted so they don’t have to pay out. My property management will keep raising my rent so that I can never save enough to find something better. Larger companies hope the property tax gets so high the property management can’t afford it so the land can be bought out and monopolized and decide what everyone’s rent should be. When I think about it in those terms, I don’t want to exist almost out of spite or protest against being a producer and a product for entities that have no soul. The disparity has only gotten worse as I age.

Anywho- tl/dr I feel hollow but also angry and that this world is wrong and that humanity isn’t supposed to be this way. At least in the U.S.

I realize this is long and probably sounds a little unhinged. If you read this, thank you for humoring me and whatever you might be going through I hope you find a path through it